So many things going through my head tonight. I’ve been fighting tears for a few days now. Everything started when I missed the Henchmen shoot on Saturday.
I was looking forward to being there and was so upset that I couldn’t make it. It all went downhill from there.
I feel like life is just passing my by. I really don’t know how to explain it. I constantly fight this feeling and somtimes it kicks my ass. I don’t want to get out of bed or do anything. Evne writing this post is taking a lot out of me.
I seriously hate feeling like I can’t talk about this sometimes. I feel like a burden. I’m seriously stuck, I hate it.
On top of all that, I see how broken my family is. Half of us don’t talk and it kills me. I wish we could all be in the same place just once without any bullshit. I don’t care how bad any of us have fucked up. We all share the same blood. We she be able to see past each other’s shortcomings for fuck’s sake.
I can’t even begin to explain how I feel. I haven’t cried since my mom died. Even looking through my phone I still see her number in my contacts. I wish she could she what I’ve become, what I’ve done.
Life has changed in so many ways. I can’t believe I went so long without really knowing what I was capable of. I will never lose sight of who I am again.
Every day is a battle. Sometimes I just don’t wanna get out of bed. After the initial struggle, I’m finally awake. Jump on my bike and lose myself in the freedom. Nothing can compare to the freedom of flying down the road.
When I think about how close I came to throwing it all away because of how weak I was, I get angry. I have fought all of my life. Whether it was against some asshat who thought it was ok to bully someone or against myself. I never let anyone or anything stop me, why would I let myself stop me.
It’s been about 10 months since I almost died. I remember waking up in a hospital completely hating who I was. I never would have dreamed life would turn out this way.
I made a promise to myself during the hospital stay, life would never be the same again. I didn’t know it it the time but, I was more right than I ever had been before. Coming that close to dying can severly alter the way you see life. Instead of always seeing the darkness in the light, you begin to see the light in the darkness.
I knew right then that nothing could or would stop me. So far I have made good on that promise. I was asked to be a part of two different film projects. Then a third one came around. I’m still amazed that I’ve gotten to do things that many people have dreamed about but so few have done.
Always say that life has a funny way of working out. Just think about it, a year ago I was a mess, and now I’m in a place where I can say I’m happy. I write all the time, work with amazing people and just enjoy life in general.
I have found that the best remedy for depression and/or anger problems is activity. I don’t just mean physical either. You have to keep your mind at its best too. Everytime I even Think about being angry or depressed, I jump on my bike and ride it out. I can’t een begin to explain how it feels to ride down the street hauling ass. It’s the time when I truly feel free.
I guess it really comes down to changing your attitude. Learning to live again isn’t easy, but it can be done.