Mayhem V.3

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Nothing could stop the happy dance now… I had this mother fucker right where I wanted him.  I could smell the fear on his breath.  He’s been tied to this chair for almost 24 hours.  I haven’t decided how I was gonna make him pay yet.  I needed a break.

The drugs were starting to wear off now.  Even though I needed more,  I didn’t really like the idea of putting more Adderall up my nose.  Pacing back and forth in the bathroom,  It hit me.  I had stronger shit in the kitchen.  This is going to be fun.

As I took the needle out of my arm, I could feel it.  Rushing through my veins,  like a wild fire.  Staring at myself in the mirror, admiring the fucking monster I had become.  I had another thought.  If this shit keeps me awake,  what would it do to the son of a bitch tied to that chair in the other room?

“WAKE UP, YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT!”

I couldn’t help but chuckle to myself as I got the shot ready.  I’ve never given anyone a shot before.  Truthfully, I was fucking scared of needles.  It didn’t matter, I had to keep my friend going.  The was no way I was going to let him slip int shock while the party was going on.  I mean, come on.  I had four fucking years to make up for.

I knew the exact moment the drugs took effect.  His pupils were pin points, his face flush and he was sweating.

“Wanna make a little wager?” I asked him

Of course he couldn’t answer, his mouth was taped shut.

I peeled a tiny corner of the tape back.  Just enough to get a decent grip on it.  Then it happened…  I lost control for a brief second.  Just long enough to violently rip the tape from the mouth of the beast.  The scream that came with it was so satisfying.

“ANSWER ME!!!” I screamed.  Trying as hard as I could to make myself seem bigger than I was.

“Wha, what do you want?”  He could barely get it out.

“Here’s how this is going to work.  I’m gonna untie you, I’ll let you go if you can make it to the restroom in one piece.”  He didn’t know what I had planned.

As I took the tape off of his ankles, I snipped his Achilles tendons.  I knew he wouldn’t make it more than two steps before his face became intimately acquainted with the floor.  This was all part of the plan.

“Run, you little fucking piece of hammered dog shit!”

I’ll never forget the sound his head made when it hit the floor…

Life

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So what have you crazy kids been up too this week? I don’t know about you guys but my week has been absolutely amazing.

Let’s start with the obvious… Filming a web series!!!! How could I not be happy about this? This is the dream. Not only do I get to live it but I get to have two of my best friends with me. There’s more to it than that. I got to work with one of the most amazing production crews in the world. Aside from knowing their stuff, they were genuinely good people.

This in itself presents an opportunity to learn something new. I’ve had some amazing conversations on set. You tend to learn a lot about yourself on a set like this. Then there are those people that drop some serious knowledge on you. I never saw it coming. What I though was a simple conversation turned into the chance to learn something about myself.

I guess the whole point of this is… no matter how bad things ever got, life can change in an instant. I have a lot to be thankful for.

A Question

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So… I think it’s about time I answered a question.

A lot of people ask me where I get the inspiration for what I write. Truthfully, I start with a single line. It could be how I’m feeling at that moment, something I felt in the past or just something that makes sense to me at the time.

From there, the flood gates just kind of open. I zone out. Auto pilot kicks in and the next thing I know, I’m done. Sometimes it’s 30 pages of absolute nonsense and sometimes its five lines of gold.

There isn’t really a method to it. I only ever keep about 30% of what I write.

I Don’t Want To Wake Up

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I don’t wanna wake up today
And face the world
It’s always the same
Story of my life

Living with this fear
Eating away my soul
Hold me back
Bound in chains

A life shrouded in fear
This isn’t for me
I don’t even know anymore
What has me so fuckin scared

You say I’m bigger than this
That’s there is so much more
Show me where it is
Show me how to live

I’m running out of answers
To the question no one is asking
I’m starting to feel
Like it’s all in my head

I don’t know if I can save you

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This is just one of those times

Where I don’t know what to say

Every tear I wipe from your face

Burns itself into my skin

I can tell you a million times

How much I really care

But I can’t make you believe it

You just have to feel it

I’m here standing in the dark

Rain soaked clothes

Waiting for something real

I won’t give up and go inside

Standing here with only my dreams

Waiting for you to stand with me

I don’t know if I can save you

But I can sure as hell try

I’m Losing the battle today.

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So many things going through my head tonight.  I’ve been fighting tears for a few days now.  Everything started when I missed the Henchmen shoot on Saturday. 
I was looking forward to being there and was so upset that I couldn’t make it.  It all went downhill from there.

I feel like life is just passing my by.  I really don’t know how to explain it.  I constantly fight this feeling and somtimes it kicks my ass.  I don’t want to get out of bed or do anything.  Evne writing this post is taking a lot out of me. 
I seriously hate feeling like I can’t talk about this sometimes.  I feel like a burden.  I’m seriously stuck,  I hate it.

On top of all that, I see how broken my family is.  Half of us don’t talk and it kills me.  I wish we could all be in the same place just once without any bullshit.  I don’t care how bad any of us have fucked up.  We all share the same blood.  We she be able to see past each other’s shortcomings for fuck’s sake.

So Here I Am Again

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I can’t even begin to explain how I feel.  I haven’t cried since my mom died.  Even looking through my phone I still see her number in my contacts.  I wish she could she what I’ve become, what I’ve done.

Life has changed in so many ways.  I can’t believe I went so long without really knowing what I was capable of.  I will never lose sight of who I am again. 

Every day is a battle.  Sometimes I just don’t wanna get out of bed.  After the initial struggle,  I’m finally awake.  Jump on my bike and lose myself in the freedom.  Nothing can compare to the freedom of flying down the road. 

When I think about how close I came to throwing it all away because of how weak I was,  I get angry.  I have fought all of my life.  Whether it was against some asshat who thought it was ok to bully someone or against myself.  I never let anyone or anything stop me,  why would I let myself stop me. 

Turning heads….

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I’ve spent most of my life hating myself.  From the way I look to the way I felt.  I’ve always been the “fat” friend.  I can’t even begin to explain how it feels to look in a mirror and hate the person you see.

I wanted to turn heads, to be noticed.  This quickly developed into the need to be noticed.  I was determined to be seen.  I changed the way I dressed, became a musician, blah blah blah.  Nothing worked.  I always felt like I was overlooked. 

When you take feeling like shit all the time and add in a very toxic relationship,  you start to hate everything.  It got so bad I eventually tried to end it all.  Honestly, overdosing on anti anxiety meds was probably the best thing that ever happened to me. 

Coming so close to dying can change How you see the world.  Don’t get me wrong.  Trying to kill myself was a very stupid drcision to make.  That being said,  I see now how much I really have.  From the most amazing friends to something called “talent”. 

Working n Henchmen and Newlywed and Broke has also shown me what I have.  Who could be stupid enough to throw it away.  Killing yourself doesn’t stop things from getting worse,  it stops things from getting better.

I’m at a point in my life where I’m happy.  That doesn’t mean that I’m content at all.  I still consider myself fat.  Even though I have lost 65 lbs in less than a year.  I want to be able to keep up with life.  That means digging deep into myself and getting shit done.

I’m dead set on getting below 220 lbs before summer is over.  From there I want to be no heavier than 200.  Let’s see how this goes.