I’m Losing the battle today.

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So many things going through my head tonight.  I’ve been fighting tears for a few days now.  Everything started when I missed the Henchmen shoot on Saturday. 
I was looking forward to being there and was so upset that I couldn’t make it.  It all went downhill from there.

I feel like life is just passing my by.  I really don’t know how to explain it.  I constantly fight this feeling and somtimes it kicks my ass.  I don’t want to get out of bed or do anything.  Evne writing this post is taking a lot out of me. 
I seriously hate feeling like I can’t talk about this sometimes.  I feel like a burden.  I’m seriously stuck,  I hate it.

On top of all that, I see how broken my family is.  Half of us don’t talk and it kills me.  I wish we could all be in the same place just once without any bullshit.  I don’t care how bad any of us have fucked up.  We all share the same blood.  We she be able to see past each other’s shortcomings for fuck’s sake.

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So Here I Am Again

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I can’t even begin to explain how I feel.  I haven’t cried since my mom died.  Even looking through my phone I still see her number in my contacts.  I wish she could she what I’ve become, what I’ve done.

Life has changed in so many ways.  I can’t believe I went so long without really knowing what I was capable of.  I will never lose sight of who I am again. 

Every day is a battle.  Sometimes I just don’t wanna get out of bed.  After the initial struggle,  I’m finally awake.  Jump on my bike and lose myself in the freedom.  Nothing can compare to the freedom of flying down the road. 

When I think about how close I came to throwing it all away because of how weak I was,  I get angry.  I have fought all of my life.  Whether it was against some asshat who thought it was ok to bully someone or against myself.  I never let anyone or anything stop me,  why would I let myself stop me. 

Learning to Live Again.

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It’s been about 10 months since I almost died.  I remember waking up in a hospital completely hating who I was.  I never would have dreamed life would turn out this way.

I made a promise to myself during the hospital stay,  life would never be the same again.  I didn’t know it it the time but,  I was more right than I ever had been before.  Coming that close to dying can severly alter the way you see life.  Instead of always seeing the darkness in the light,  you begin to see the light in the darkness. 

I knew right then that nothing could or would stop me.  So far I have made good on that promise.  I was asked to be a part of two different film projects.  Then a third one came around.  I’m still amazed that I’ve gotten to do things that many people have dreamed about but so few have done. 

Always say that life has a funny way of working out.  Just think about it,  a year ago I was a mess, and now I’m in a place where I can say I’m happy.  I write all the time,  work with amazing people and just enjoy life in general.

I have found that the best remedy for depression and/or anger problems is activity.  I don’t just mean physical either.  You have to keep your mind at its best too.  Everytime I even Think about being angry or depressed,  I jump on my bike and ride it out.  I can’t een begin to explain how it feels to ride down the street hauling ass.  It’s the time when I truly feel free. 

I guess it really comes down to changing your attitude.  Learning to live again isn’t easy,  but it can be done.   

Turning heads….

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I’ve spent most of my life hating myself.  From the way I look to the way I felt.  I’ve always been the “fat” friend.  I can’t even begin to explain how it feels to look in a mirror and hate the person you see.

I wanted to turn heads, to be noticed.  This quickly developed into the need to be noticed.  I was determined to be seen.  I changed the way I dressed, became a musician, blah blah blah.  Nothing worked.  I always felt like I was overlooked. 

When you take feeling like shit all the time and add in a very toxic relationship,  you start to hate everything.  It got so bad I eventually tried to end it all.  Honestly, overdosing on anti anxiety meds was probably the best thing that ever happened to me. 

Coming so close to dying can change How you see the world.  Don’t get me wrong.  Trying to kill myself was a very stupid drcision to make.  That being said,  I see now how much I really have.  From the most amazing friends to something called “talent”. 

Working n Henchmen and Newlywed and Broke has also shown me what I have.  Who could be stupid enough to throw it away.  Killing yourself doesn’t stop things from getting worse,  it stops things from getting better.

I’m at a point in my life where I’m happy.  That doesn’t mean that I’m content at all.  I still consider myself fat.  Even though I have lost 65 lbs in less than a year.  I want to be able to keep up with life.  That means digging deep into myself and getting shit done.

I’m dead set on getting below 220 lbs before summer is over.  From there I want to be no heavier than 200.  Let’s see how this goes.

Life in Black And White

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I never thought I’d be here
Still alive and kickin
Building myself back up
From the nothing that I was

Lost sight of who I was
Became something I hated
Nothing more than a minion
To my own thoughts

It had to end somehow
Maybe it was the wrong way to change
Or maybe I never needed you at all
I don’t need to answer that question

Part of me still cares
What everyone else thinks
Deep down inside I know
That I will be what I will be

The self loathing
Never really goes away
Living life in black and white
Faking it every step of the way

Now as I stand at the top
Of my own little world
The color comes flooding in
Laughter fills the empty spaces

Looking back at who I was
Knowing I will never myself
Get that low again
Nothing can steal my smile

Oh, how you have changed,

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Anyone who knows me knows that I have an extremely hard time keeping my mouth shut.  Working as a boom operator on the set of Henchmen has been a true test of my patience.

On top of all that,  I have met so many new people.  This tends to keep me pretty quiet because I’m afraid to say the wrong thing and piss someone off.  Social awkwardness at it’s finest.  One person in particular has been amazing towards me.  I’m keeping this person nameless only for the fact that they don’t need to know that I feel like I constantly make an ass out of myself around them.

On the other hand there are a few names I will drop because they deserve to be known for how awesome they are.  I’m not naming the people I have known for a while because they already know I love them.

The people that deserve to be recognized for changing the way I view the film industry are…

Helena-  You are a wealth of knowledge when it comes to blogging and social networking.  I see what you have done and it pushed me to work harder getting this blog going.

Morgan-  What can I really say?  You always have a smile on your face.  It is infectious.  You brighten every room you walk in to.  You have the ability to lift even the worst mood.

Jack-  Mr. Funny Man.  Keep it going dude.  I love working with you.  YOu constantly make every person on set laugh.

Reko-  Another wealth of knowledge.  I honestly can’t believe how much you have taught me about life.  I’m even more amazed by the fact that you asked me to be a part of Newlywed and Broke.

Blair-  You are an amazing person to be around.  You are probably the most respectful person I have ever met.  I can’t forget to mention how hilrious you are as well.  I truly look forward to working with you again.

Russell-  Dude you are awesome.  I don’t think we could have gotten anyone better for your role.  You and Dino are perfect partners.

Dino-  You sir, are brilliant.  I don’t kow how the darkest part of the shadow can shine so brightly.

You guys are all amazing.  It is truly an honor and a priveledge to work with you all.

The Time On Set

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So… Here we are again.  We were shooting till midnight last night and somehow I woke up at 6:00 a.m.   We’re almost done with Henchmen.  I have to say it was an amazing experiance.  Working with some amazing talent.  We’re all so exhausted.  But… I’m glad we did it.

Another rant…

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I usually try to keep my foul mouth from overflowing into this blog but today is different.

I’ve been really fucking depressed for the last few days.  This year was the first mother’s day without my mom.  Even though she wasn’t around a lot its different konwing she is dead. 

I wish I could tell you that it doesn’t hurt,  but that would be a lie.  The worst part is when I think about how many times she told me to always stand up for myself and what I believe in.  The truth is… I let her down.

For years I tried to be what other people wanted me to be.  I never said what I felt only what I thought people wanted to hear.

Well, not anymore!  I’m fucking done with it.  I’m not pretending to care anymore.  You can call me insensitive.  I took years of abuse to get this way, some of it was even self inflicted. 

So here’s how its going to be,  I’m going to say whatever is on my mind and if you don’t like it, tough shit.  I’m going to bust my ass doing the things I love. 

This is a hard post for me to write.  I know my mom is somewhere up there look down at me thinking “It’s about damned time!” 

Life…

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I don’t know why but, today I woke up in a funk.  After to 2.5 mile bike ride to work I felt a bit better.  As I as driving to my first stop I realized I could smell the flowers in the air.  I never noticed it before. 

I guess that’s how it is when your’re stuck in a deep depression.  For years I was so caught up with the things that were going on in my head that I didn’t see how amazing the world really is.  From Where I live I can ride a few miles in any direction and be in the mountains or in a city.

To top it all off, after a ride I get to come home to texts from someone really special.  Keep in mind that it’s very hard to make me smile.  Somehow she manages to get me to do it a lot.  The only other times I smile are when I’m on set or riding my bike. 

So right now I have three things in my life that remind me how lucky I am.  Making movies with my best friends, riding my bike till my legs hate me and her.  Before you ask,  yes I still deal with depression everyday.  I have learned to recognized when it’s coming and stop it in it’s tracks.  Even when I can’t all I have to do is look at a picture of my kick ass girlfriend or jump on my bike and the world melts away.  Even if its just for a few seconds,  it’s enough to remind me that I am bigger than this.

I’ve talked to a few people who deal with the same issues I do.  Most of the time they tell me that they felt like no one understood what the feel.    Well guess what!  Everyone may not understand it but there are people out there who do.  I’m not going to sit here and tell you that I’m all better.  I fight everyday just to get out of bed.  The trick is to surround yourself with people that will be a positive influence. 

I could not have done it without you guys.  I look back on it.  I tried to die.  I tried my ass off.  Something kept me here.  When I was in the hospital I learned a lot.  So many people that I thought were my friend we so quick to walk away.  The ones that did stick around are the sole reason I’m sitting here writing this today. 
Even the new people I meet are quick to judge.  The ones that don’t are the ones that I let in my circle.  With all that being said the following people deserve a huge thank you.  Will, Tony, Niki, Adriana, Cruz, Reko, Kat, Blair, Rick, Sonny my entire family, everyone at work and last but not least anyone who reads this long ass post.

Before I get to work promoting Newlywed and Broke.  I have one last thing to say.  We all go through shit,  never forget that there are people out there who love you.  And Mom,  where ever you are I miss you and I love you.