Sleep Just Won’t Come

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Everything has just been building up lately.  I find myself getting frustrated very easily.   I’m really not sure why.  Maybe it’s self preservation, maybe I just don’t care anymore.  I just can’t do it.

I’m done losing sleep over people that obviously only care about themselves.  Anyone who knows me, knows that I don’t walk away from things easily.  Lately, that has not been the case. 

I try to find the beauty in things but sometimes the negativity overshadows it.  I honestly feel like I don’t have a voice sometimes.  I’ve given up on more than one person lately.  Trying to keep a dying friendship alive was like screaming in silence.  The entire thing revolved around going out drinking every night. 

I won’t lie, it was fun at first.  As I started to realize that things were going downhill, I found myself drinking to numb the pain.  It killed me knowing that the friendship was dying.  Knowing that you have to give up on someone you considered family sucks.

One good thing did come out of it.  All of this newfound free time allowed me to reconnect with a few people I haven’t seen in years.  One in particular, has been through many of the same issues that I have.  I hate to say it but the is only ONE person who I feel won’t judge me for what I’ve been through. 

Knowing that I can be open about my depression,  the hospital stay and the daily struggles really helps.  

Learning to Live Again.

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It’s been about 10 months since I almost died.  I remember waking up in a hospital completely hating who I was.  I never would have dreamed life would turn out this way.

I made a promise to myself during the hospital stay,  life would never be the same again.  I didn’t know it it the time but,  I was more right than I ever had been before.  Coming that close to dying can severly alter the way you see life.  Instead of always seeing the darkness in the light,  you begin to see the light in the darkness. 

I knew right then that nothing could or would stop me.  So far I have made good on that promise.  I was asked to be a part of two different film projects.  Then a third one came around.  I’m still amazed that I’ve gotten to do things that many people have dreamed about but so few have done. 

Always say that life has a funny way of working out.  Just think about it,  a year ago I was a mess, and now I’m in a place where I can say I’m happy.  I write all the time,  work with amazing people and just enjoy life in general.

I have found that the best remedy for depression and/or anger problems is activity.  I don’t just mean physical either.  You have to keep your mind at its best too.  Everytime I even Think about being angry or depressed,  I jump on my bike and ride it out.  I can’t een begin to explain how it feels to ride down the street hauling ass.  It’s the time when I truly feel free. 

I guess it really comes down to changing your attitude.  Learning to live again isn’t easy,  but it can be done.   

Life…

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I don’t know why but, today I woke up in a funk.  After to 2.5 mile bike ride to work I felt a bit better.  As I as driving to my first stop I realized I could smell the flowers in the air.  I never noticed it before. 

I guess that’s how it is when your’re stuck in a deep depression.  For years I was so caught up with the things that were going on in my head that I didn’t see how amazing the world really is.  From Where I live I can ride a few miles in any direction and be in the mountains or in a city.

To top it all off, after a ride I get to come home to texts from someone really special.  Keep in mind that it’s very hard to make me smile.  Somehow she manages to get me to do it a lot.  The only other times I smile are when I’m on set or riding my bike. 

So right now I have three things in my life that remind me how lucky I am.  Making movies with my best friends, riding my bike till my legs hate me and her.  Before you ask,  yes I still deal with depression everyday.  I have learned to recognized when it’s coming and stop it in it’s tracks.  Even when I can’t all I have to do is look at a picture of my kick ass girlfriend or jump on my bike and the world melts away.  Even if its just for a few seconds,  it’s enough to remind me that I am bigger than this.

I’ve talked to a few people who deal with the same issues I do.  Most of the time they tell me that they felt like no one understood what the feel.    Well guess what!  Everyone may not understand it but there are people out there who do.  I’m not going to sit here and tell you that I’m all better.  I fight everyday just to get out of bed.  The trick is to surround yourself with people that will be a positive influence. 

I could not have done it without you guys.  I look back on it.  I tried to die.  I tried my ass off.  Something kept me here.  When I was in the hospital I learned a lot.  So many people that I thought were my friend we so quick to walk away.  The ones that did stick around are the sole reason I’m sitting here writing this today. 
Even the new people I meet are quick to judge.  The ones that don’t are the ones that I let in my circle.  With all that being said the following people deserve a huge thank you.  Will, Tony, Niki, Adriana, Cruz, Reko, Kat, Blair, Rick, Sonny my entire family, everyone at work and last but not least anyone who reads this long ass post.

Before I get to work promoting Newlywed and Broke.  I have one last thing to say.  We all go through shit,  never forget that there are people out there who love you.  And Mom,  where ever you are I miss you and I love you. 

Sharing something really deep.

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So… the last seven months of my life have been crazy.  I can’t believe how much has changed since then.  Certain events in life have a way of changing the way you look at things.

I’m going to start this story from a point where I was sitting in a hospital bed after overdosing on Ativan.  I had gtten to a point where I seriously hated the person I had become.  I don’t really remember much until I woke up in a different hospital.

Even when I was there I didn’t believe anyone would want to be there for me after I did what I did.  I could not have been more wrong.  There were a few people that stuck by me.  I can’t even begin to thank them enough.

I was not prepared for life outside of the hospital setting.  I didn’t sleep for days after coming home.  There were two people that constantly checked on me.  Will and Tony, you guys didn’t have to check on me everyday.  I truly appreciate everything.

Even though we don’t speak everyday I love these guys like brothers.  They constantly push me to do bigger and better things.  Will even made sure to involve me in his latest project even though we both know that there are penty of people that can do a better job than I can. 

All that aside,  if it wasn’t for Henchmen I would have not been able to stay positive.  Throwing myself completely into this project has done two things for me.  First it has helped me with my confidence issues and depression. Second it has showed me that my dreams can come true.

While on set I have met some people that have changed my life. I could drop names for days but I’ll keep it short.  Rick, Reko, Blair, Sonny and Morgan.  You guys have been absolutely amazing to work with.  You guys are just the new faces.  Nikki, Tim and Oscar I’ve known you guys for years and wouldn’t trade it for the world.

Henchmen has opened up so many possibilities.  Being asked to work on Newlywed and Broke with Reko and Kat was the first step.  Once again I met more amazing and positive people.  Alfredo and David thank you guys. 

It scares me to think about how close I came to losing it all because of a moment of weakness.  We all have our days. Some of us have even looked death in the face.  Take it from someone who has been there and bounced back with a new outlook, it does get better.  Even when you think no one is there someone is always in your corner.  I could not have done it without the love and support from my family and friends.  You guys are amazing and I am truly thankful for every single one of you.