Blood on Your Hands

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When you look at me
Through your hate filled eyes
What is it that you see
Fear and rage disguised

Something burns deep within
Blood boiling filed with rage
Like peeling off my own skin
Alone in the night

Trying to be the one you want
Losing sight of who I am
Please don’t get caught
With my blood on your hands

I’ll justify your every move
Because I don’t want to die alone
What ever it is you have to prove
With you heart made of stone

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I’m Losing the battle today.

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So many things going through my head tonight.  I’ve been fighting tears for a few days now.  Everything started when I missed the Henchmen shoot on Saturday. 
I was looking forward to being there and was so upset that I couldn’t make it.  It all went downhill from there.

I feel like life is just passing my by.  I really don’t know how to explain it.  I constantly fight this feeling and somtimes it kicks my ass.  I don’t want to get out of bed or do anything.  Evne writing this post is taking a lot out of me. 
I seriously hate feeling like I can’t talk about this sometimes.  I feel like a burden.  I’m seriously stuck,  I hate it.

On top of all that, I see how broken my family is.  Half of us don’t talk and it kills me.  I wish we could all be in the same place just once without any bullshit.  I don’t care how bad any of us have fucked up.  We all share the same blood.  We she be able to see past each other’s shortcomings for fuck’s sake.

Learning to Live Again.

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It’s been about 10 months since I almost died.  I remember waking up in a hospital completely hating who I was.  I never would have dreamed life would turn out this way.

I made a promise to myself during the hospital stay,  life would never be the same again.  I didn’t know it it the time but,  I was more right than I ever had been before.  Coming that close to dying can severly alter the way you see life.  Instead of always seeing the darkness in the light,  you begin to see the light in the darkness. 

I knew right then that nothing could or would stop me.  So far I have made good on that promise.  I was asked to be a part of two different film projects.  Then a third one came around.  I’m still amazed that I’ve gotten to do things that many people have dreamed about but so few have done. 

Always say that life has a funny way of working out.  Just think about it,  a year ago I was a mess, and now I’m in a place where I can say I’m happy.  I write all the time,  work with amazing people and just enjoy life in general.

I have found that the best remedy for depression and/or anger problems is activity.  I don’t just mean physical either.  You have to keep your mind at its best too.  Everytime I even Think about being angry or depressed,  I jump on my bike and ride it out.  I can’t een begin to explain how it feels to ride down the street hauling ass.  It’s the time when I truly feel free. 

I guess it really comes down to changing your attitude.  Learning to live again isn’t easy,  but it can be done.   

Life in Black And White

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I never thought I’d be here
Still alive and kickin
Building myself back up
From the nothing that I was

Lost sight of who I was
Became something I hated
Nothing more than a minion
To my own thoughts

It had to end somehow
Maybe it was the wrong way to change
Or maybe I never needed you at all
I don’t need to answer that question

Part of me still cares
What everyone else thinks
Deep down inside I know
That I will be what I will be

The self loathing
Never really goes away
Living life in black and white
Faking it every step of the way

Now as I stand at the top
Of my own little world
The color comes flooding in
Laughter fills the empty spaces

Looking back at who I was
Knowing I will never myself
Get that low again
Nothing can steal my smile

Life…

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I don’t know why but, today I woke up in a funk.  After to 2.5 mile bike ride to work I felt a bit better.  As I as driving to my first stop I realized I could smell the flowers in the air.  I never noticed it before. 

I guess that’s how it is when your’re stuck in a deep depression.  For years I was so caught up with the things that were going on in my head that I didn’t see how amazing the world really is.  From Where I live I can ride a few miles in any direction and be in the mountains or in a city.

To top it all off, after a ride I get to come home to texts from someone really special.  Keep in mind that it’s very hard to make me smile.  Somehow she manages to get me to do it a lot.  The only other times I smile are when I’m on set or riding my bike. 

So right now I have three things in my life that remind me how lucky I am.  Making movies with my best friends, riding my bike till my legs hate me and her.  Before you ask,  yes I still deal with depression everyday.  I have learned to recognized when it’s coming and stop it in it’s tracks.  Even when I can’t all I have to do is look at a picture of my kick ass girlfriend or jump on my bike and the world melts away.  Even if its just for a few seconds,  it’s enough to remind me that I am bigger than this.

I’ve talked to a few people who deal with the same issues I do.  Most of the time they tell me that they felt like no one understood what the feel.    Well guess what!  Everyone may not understand it but there are people out there who do.  I’m not going to sit here and tell you that I’m all better.  I fight everyday just to get out of bed.  The trick is to surround yourself with people that will be a positive influence. 

I could not have done it without you guys.  I look back on it.  I tried to die.  I tried my ass off.  Something kept me here.  When I was in the hospital I learned a lot.  So many people that I thought were my friend we so quick to walk away.  The ones that did stick around are the sole reason I’m sitting here writing this today. 
Even the new people I meet are quick to judge.  The ones that don’t are the ones that I let in my circle.  With all that being said the following people deserve a huge thank you.  Will, Tony, Niki, Adriana, Cruz, Reko, Kat, Blair, Rick, Sonny my entire family, everyone at work and last but not least anyone who reads this long ass post.

Before I get to work promoting Newlywed and Broke.  I have one last thing to say.  We all go through shit,  never forget that there are people out there who love you.  And Mom,  where ever you are I miss you and I love you. 

Took a drive today…

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For the first time in a long time, I realized how beautiful the world is.  It rained last night and a bit this morning.  While driving up the hills in North Orange County, blasting Set Your Goals,  I couldn’t help but miss the person who was my partner in crime during the summer of 2006.

Even though I was over 21, I don’t think I drank a single beer that summer.  I was too ust raising hell with my brother Cruz.  We did silly shit all day every day.  From driving to a random park to play guitar to playing mini golf and acting like fools. 

As most of you know I’m in a place with my life right now where things are going great.  Before that the last time I fel like my life was ok was during that summer.  I learned a lot that year.  We had some amazing conversations and adventures. 

Whether it was talking about music (which we did a lot seeing as we are both musicians) or cracking jokes about the most random things, there was no shortage of laughter.  I mean come on how can you not laugh when a big beasty looking bastard(me) is climbing on a mini Eiffle Tower at Boomers?

So… back to my original point.  Life is amazing. I have a great thing going right now.  I’m working like a responsible adult,  making movies with some of the most talented people I have ever known,  have an amazing girlfriend who puts up with my artistic bs, and Cruz is coming home this year.    

Looking back on that, I have no regrets.

One last thing… STARBUCKS BOMB IN 3, 2, 1, GO!

We All Have A Story To Tell Part One

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I recently got the chance to work with a very talented writer/photographer and a bunch of other this I’m too tired to list right now.  After many long hours on set and many conversations I have learned we are not that different.  Here is a short interview with Rick Tolson.

Mike: Would you please introduce yourself to the readers of dontquestionfate.wordpress.com? (please include a brief bio if you like with a website where readers can check you out.  
Ricky: My name is Ricky Tolson. Or Rick, Though Ricky comes up more and more I am originally from Ontario California, and spent most of my life there. Currently I am a freelance Screen Writer and Raconteur. I do not have a website or anything so fancy, but I do Have FB, Twitter, Instagram, Linkedin, ETC….  

M: We all know that life isn’t easy would you care to share a story about a time that was particularly rough on you?

R:Growing up where I did I was surrounded by Drug users, pushers, hustlers dealers thieves, gangsters, both kinds; The kind that smile while they stab you and the others who only look the part. Meth was my neighborhoods’ drug of choice. I watched it rape the world around me like a plague. My family was not immune to it. I dealt with drug raids, CPS, my mother sleeping for days at a time, my uncle dealing in front of me. My brothers growing older and getting addicted. Like I said a plague. A fucking plague that rots you from the inside until there is nothing good left in you. My mother took a bad hit of the shit. And lost her life. It is why I never knew a fathers love. I never fell to it. But it fucked me just the same.  

M:What kind of effect did that have on you dy to day life?  How did it impact your relationsips with those around you?  
R: I sort of answered this in question two. But to elaborate, I learned not to trust very many people. I had to bottle up everything and lock it away. Being the good kid made me the black sheep. No matter how many people I fought. No how hard I tried I’d always be the pussy. My father hated me for being born. Knowing this. I shut down. I hurt a lot of people physically and emotionally. My self most of all. Mostly because I didn’t know how to deal with what was going on inside me as I tried to sort out what was going on around me.

M: How did you get past all of it?  What was your motivation to overcome the rough patch?  

R: Honestly I made a conscious Decision. That I personally give credit to God for. By all reason I should have fallen into the drug trap. I made a decision. I knew how wrong everything around me was from a very young age. I broke The cycle even as it continued to consume those around me.  
M: Tell us about your life right now. Is it going the way you thought it would?  

R: My life as it is, is still a work in progress. But I have made huge strides. I am actively writing, graduating from college. I am clean have no jail record…lol…. Am married and live a very normal life. And that is a good thing. I recognize I still have a lot to grow, and to accomplish, and though I am not as far along in life as I would wish, I am making progress. And hungry for more. And have the satisfaction that nothing I have has ever been handed to me.  

M: What advice would you have for someone going through tough times?  

R: Never EVER give up. Life sucks, it’s a God damned fact. BUT you have the power to make it better, and make an impact. Its about making a choice. Sit and rot and die an empty soulless shell of a person. Or fight and go down swinging. Do what you do because you love it.  

M: Do you think it will be easier to deal with obstacles in life now that you have been through some of them?  

R: Some things yes, some no. I thought I was prepared for my mothers death. I was not. I think I am for others in my family. Deep down I dread it. I am fortunate to have a awesome support system now. And am better equipped to deal with life’s bullshittery.   8.  Is there anything else you would like to share with our readers such as websites, projects, or encourgement?   We all have purpose. ALL OF US. Its not always easy finding out what that is. Keep moving. We are all meant to attain our goals at different times. Patience is the hardest part of succsess.

Did you ever have big dreams???

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For as long as I can remember I have dreamed about being in the entertainment business.  So many people told me it wasn’t possible that I actually started to believe it. 

I don’t know about any of my readers but it’s a really messed up feeling “knowing” that you can never be what you really want to be.  I lost hope.  The depression sets in and the world loses it’s magic. 

You become a robot.  Constantly running on auto pilot and all that jazz.  Life loses it’s sense of wonder and you really have no desire to live.  Then things happen.

I was recently asked to work on an upcoming webseries called Henchmen.  It wasn’t something that happened by chance.  My best friend wrote the script.  This is a man that I have had the privilege of knowing for more than half of my life.  We were in theatre together and in a band together as well. 

Anyway, it started out with me being the boom operator and a production assistant.  William knew about my dreams, hell he knows me better than I know myself.  I was not prepared for what would come out of working on Henchmen.

Out of the long days and late nights came something I never would have seen coming.   I was never really confident in what I did.  I always felt I was mediocre at best.  Then people I barely knew started commenting on how I was willing to stay up all night making props and building various pieces of equipment then wake up super early and do it all over again.

I met some amazingly talented people on the set as well.  I always had this vision of actors being stuck up and self centered.  I could not have been anymore wrong.  I happened to meet one person on the set who completely changed my view of actors and entertainers. Reko Moreno plyed one of the lead charactors in Henchmen. 

We spent a lot of time on set.  I was no surprise that we strted chatting it up between takes and became close.  I never thought he would eventually ask me to work on a project let alone his personal project.  Then one day I got a call from him.  He was asking me to help out with Newlywed and Broke.  There are no words to describe how that felt.

Of course I said yes.  I knew it was going to be a challenge since I don’t own a car at the moment.  I wsn’t going to ask for a ride or ask to be pid because I flelt honored to be sked to be a part of it.  I strted putting away money to rent a car and pay for a hotel room.  Then I got another call.  Reko not only offered to drive almost two hours to pick me up and even offered to let me stay in his home during the shoot. 

To be completely honest I was shocked.  Here was a person I barely knew going out of his way to include me.  I ended up spending four days With Reko, Kat and Rob.  Reko and I got really close.  Once again I met more amazing people on set.  I even met some of his close friends. 

I ended up meeting the person that played one of my favorite characters in End of Watch.  We had some great conversations and all of that good stuff.  AllI could really think was how awesome it was to make more friends.  Well one of the people I met just asked my to be a part of a feature film that he is directing.  Long story short my dreams are coming true all because of William and Reko.  Thank you guys.

Pretty soon I’ll tell you guys about working with some of the other people I have the chance to work with.

You never know…

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You never know how much someone will change your life when you first meet them.  Some will be nothing more than a person to hang out with and some will be the driving force behind your biggest dreams. 

I’ve been pretty lucky.  There are a few people in my life that have pushed me to continue writing.  When I was dicussing starting a blog with a friend, I would never have thought that I would hae people in other countries reading my poems  To tell the truth, I didn’t think anyone would read them at all.

All of the love you guys have showed me since I started this has made me realize something.  I have a story to tell.  It’s not always goos and it’s not always happy.  I can say this.  Even though I have been through some pretty rough things in my life, it does get better.  I truly hope that someone who is going through the same things I went through sees this and takes something from it. 

If this blog helps one person,  I’ll be happy.  You guys are all amazing.  I say this with every intention of keeping my word.  I will answer any and every email you guys send me.  Whether it’s a question or comment, you want me to read something you wrote or you just need to vent. 

Much love and respect,
-M