Sleep Just Won’t Come

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Everything has just been building up lately.  I find myself getting frustrated very easily.   I’m really not sure why.  Maybe it’s self preservation, maybe I just don’t care anymore.  I just can’t do it.

I’m done losing sleep over people that obviously only care about themselves.  Anyone who knows me, knows that I don’t walk away from things easily.  Lately, that has not been the case. 

I try to find the beauty in things but sometimes the negativity overshadows it.  I honestly feel like I don’t have a voice sometimes.  I’ve given up on more than one person lately.  Trying to keep a dying friendship alive was like screaming in silence.  The entire thing revolved around going out drinking every night. 

I won’t lie, it was fun at first.  As I started to realize that things were going downhill, I found myself drinking to numb the pain.  It killed me knowing that the friendship was dying.  Knowing that you have to give up on someone you considered family sucks.

One good thing did come out of it.  All of this newfound free time allowed me to reconnect with a few people I haven’t seen in years.  One in particular, has been through many of the same issues that I have.  I hate to say it but the is only ONE person who I feel won’t judge me for what I’ve been through. 

Knowing that I can be open about my depression,  the hospital stay and the daily struggles really helps.  

Life in Black And White

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I never thought I’d be here
Still alive and kickin
Building myself back up
From the nothing that I was

Lost sight of who I was
Became something I hated
Nothing more than a minion
To my own thoughts

It had to end somehow
Maybe it was the wrong way to change
Or maybe I never needed you at all
I don’t need to answer that question

Part of me still cares
What everyone else thinks
Deep down inside I know
That I will be what I will be

The self loathing
Never really goes away
Living life in black and white
Faking it every step of the way

Now as I stand at the top
Of my own little world
The color comes flooding in
Laughter fills the empty spaces

Looking back at who I was
Knowing I will never myself
Get that low again
Nothing can steal my smile

A lot of people ask..

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Where I get my inspiration from.  Trutfully,  find it in the strangest places.  Horror movies, the news, music and life in general.  Lately I have been completely blown away by the way I have been treated by some of the people I have been working with. 

I was looking through my old notebooks and random loose pages that I have filled with thoughts, rants, poems, lyrics to songs I never got around to writing and other things.  I see a trend in my writing.  It all started out so negative and is progressing into something I would actually call positive. 

Sometimes people read my old work and ask who I was “talking to”,  because they seemed so full of anger and resentment.  To tell you all the truth most of my work was about how I felt about myself.  I was not happy with the person I had become.  

All of that aside.  Things are crazy now.  I never would have thougt in a million years I would be working on a web series with so many extremely talented people let alone a web series at all.  I could spend days thanking everyone for giving me the oppurtunity to work with them and all of that good shit or I could take all of their advice and encouragement and run with it.

I’ve met so many people in the “industry” who not only have become people I am proud to say I have worked with but I can call most if not all of them friends.  Some of the have read my writing and told me I need to keep doing it.  Some have even subscribed to this very blog.

I guess what I’m really trying to say is…  if you have a dream, go for broke.  No one is going to just hand you nything, but people will encourage you and push you.  I can’t really describe it but it can be done. 

I’m going to try to make this one short.  I had a writer/actor actually bring me into his home so I didn’t have to worry about getting to the locations for a project he asked me to work on.  He was also the first person that I haven’t known for years to tell me I need to start writing more.  I recently sent a message to one of the actors I met on the set of Henchmen thanking her for being so awesome and a pleasure to work with.  Her response left me shocked.  She was thanking me for being welcoming.  Truth is, I consider everyone involved in Henchmen a friend. 

I used to think every entertainer was a stuck up asshole based on a few bad experiences.  Because of the love I have been shown on the few projects I have been lucky enough to be a part of,  my whole view of the indusrty has been changed.  Even more so my life has been changed.  What once seemed like nothing but a day dream has become a possibility. 

I takes a damn good reason…

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.How does someone manage to wake me up before noon on my day off?  Side from the fact that he’s my best friend in the whole world, we’re shooting another episode of henchmenco.com today. 

This always brings about feelings of amazement.  Even right now I’m sitting in  Will’s back seat listening to music and typing this up thinking, “How did I get so lucky?”  I’m a part of an amazing project and I get to work with two od the people that ave pushed me to keep going, even if they don’t know it.  So before we get to work I’d like to thank William Camacho and Niki Mandujano. Much love and respect from the back seat.

You never know…

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You never know how much someone will change your life when you first meet them.  Some will be nothing more than a person to hang out with and some will be the driving force behind your biggest dreams. 

I’ve been pretty lucky.  There are a few people in my life that have pushed me to continue writing.  When I was dicussing starting a blog with a friend, I would never have thought that I would hae people in other countries reading my poems  To tell the truth, I didn’t think anyone would read them at all.

All of the love you guys have showed me since I started this has made me realize something.  I have a story to tell.  It’s not always goos and it’s not always happy.  I can say this.  Even though I have been through some pretty rough things in my life, it does get better.  I truly hope that someone who is going through the same things I went through sees this and takes something from it. 

If this blog helps one person,  I’ll be happy.  You guys are all amazing.  I say this with every intention of keeping my word.  I will answer any and every email you guys send me.  Whether it’s a question or comment, you want me to read something you wrote or you just need to vent. 

Much love and respect,
-M 

Why do we do what we do?

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I’ve been questioning this a lot lately.  Every one of my friends has at least one thing they do well.  Some of them are musicians, some are actors and some write.  We don’t choose what we are good at.  We were able to see where or strong point lie and nurture them. 

For most of us these things didn’t come easy.  The actors take classes, the musicians take lessons and the writers write.  We are constantly doing things to help improve our selected craft. 

This ends to raise questions.  I get asked at least once a week why I write.  Usually I just chock it up to the fact that riting was one of the few things I felt I was good at.  So I took at and ran with it.  I’ve been writing for years now.  At the same time I’m stdying other’s work and reading books on stye and technique. 

I’ve been told many times that I need to develope my own style.  That I shouldn’t read work by other writers because it willinfluence my writing.  That is exacly what I want.  Why should I stick to just one style when I write? 

I write because I love it.  Its what I do.  So just like everything else, i’m going to get as good as I can possibly get.  I will write nything I can possibly write.  This is my story, and ‘m going to tell it.