Sleep Just Won’t Come

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Everything has just been building up lately.  I find myself getting frustrated very easily.   I’m really not sure why.  Maybe it’s self preservation, maybe I just don’t care anymore.  I just can’t do it.

I’m done losing sleep over people that obviously only care about themselves.  Anyone who knows me, knows that I don’t walk away from things easily.  Lately, that has not been the case. 

I try to find the beauty in things but sometimes the negativity overshadows it.  I honestly feel like I don’t have a voice sometimes.  I’ve given up on more than one person lately.  Trying to keep a dying friendship alive was like screaming in silence.  The entire thing revolved around going out drinking every night. 

I won’t lie, it was fun at first.  As I started to realize that things were going downhill, I found myself drinking to numb the pain.  It killed me knowing that the friendship was dying.  Knowing that you have to give up on someone you considered family sucks.

One good thing did come out of it.  All of this newfound free time allowed me to reconnect with a few people I haven’t seen in years.  One in particular, has been through many of the same issues that I have.  I hate to say it but the is only ONE person who I feel won’t judge me for what I’ve been through. 

Knowing that I can be open about my depression,  the hospital stay and the daily struggles really helps.  

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Life…

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I don’t know why but, today I woke up in a funk.  After to 2.5 mile bike ride to work I felt a bit better.  As I as driving to my first stop I realized I could smell the flowers in the air.  I never noticed it before. 

I guess that’s how it is when your’re stuck in a deep depression.  For years I was so caught up with the things that were going on in my head that I didn’t see how amazing the world really is.  From Where I live I can ride a few miles in any direction and be in the mountains or in a city.

To top it all off, after a ride I get to come home to texts from someone really special.  Keep in mind that it’s very hard to make me smile.  Somehow she manages to get me to do it a lot.  The only other times I smile are when I’m on set or riding my bike. 

So right now I have three things in my life that remind me how lucky I am.  Making movies with my best friends, riding my bike till my legs hate me and her.  Before you ask,  yes I still deal with depression everyday.  I have learned to recognized when it’s coming and stop it in it’s tracks.  Even when I can’t all I have to do is look at a picture of my kick ass girlfriend or jump on my bike and the world melts away.  Even if its just for a few seconds,  it’s enough to remind me that I am bigger than this.

I’ve talked to a few people who deal with the same issues I do.  Most of the time they tell me that they felt like no one understood what the feel.    Well guess what!  Everyone may not understand it but there are people out there who do.  I’m not going to sit here and tell you that I’m all better.  I fight everyday just to get out of bed.  The trick is to surround yourself with people that will be a positive influence. 

I could not have done it without you guys.  I look back on it.  I tried to die.  I tried my ass off.  Something kept me here.  When I was in the hospital I learned a lot.  So many people that I thought were my friend we so quick to walk away.  The ones that did stick around are the sole reason I’m sitting here writing this today. 
Even the new people I meet are quick to judge.  The ones that don’t are the ones that I let in my circle.  With all that being said the following people deserve a huge thank you.  Will, Tony, Niki, Adriana, Cruz, Reko, Kat, Blair, Rick, Sonny my entire family, everyone at work and last but not least anyone who reads this long ass post.

Before I get to work promoting Newlywed and Broke.  I have one last thing to say.  We all go through shit,  never forget that there are people out there who love you.  And Mom,  where ever you are I miss you and I love you. 

Everyone Has A Story Part 2

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It’s no secret that I am constantly learning from those around me.  I have had a chance to work withh the incredibly talented Morgan Poferl.   Heres what she had to say when I asked her some questions. 

Mike: Would you please introduce yourself to the readers of dontquestionfate.wordpress.com? (please include a brief bio if you like with a website where readers can check you out.
Morgan: Hello! I’m Morgan Poferl! A San Francisco Bay Area native, boxed wine aficionado, avid ‘terrible movie’ watcher, only child with an affinity for all things ‘acting’.

Mike: We all know that life isn’t easy would you care to share a story about a time that was particularly rough on you?  
Morgan: My mom is bi-polar, Manic/Depressive and my dad was never in the picture. After a bout of my mom trying to self-medicate, it was decided that I go live with my mom’s younger sister. The transition between life with my mom to life with my aunt was by far the hardest experience I’ve had.    

Mike: What kind of effect did that have on you dy to day life?  How did it impact your relationsips with those around you?

Morgan: Prior to ‘the move’ (sounds so ominous ) I was used to a living essentially out of a suitcase. My mother’s illness made her an unpredictable tenant and unreliable employee, so I moved a lot the first eight years of my life. So, when I settled into my aunts’, I had a hard time taking root. Making friends at school became a difficult task, as I did not know if I was going to be in their lives in the next months, or even weeks. By far, the biggest effect was not keeping in contact with my mom. Wondering where she was and how she was doing dominated my thoughts. Well, worrying about my mom and wondering if Leo DiCaprio would be on the cover of Tiger Beat grabbed my attention span.  

Mike: How did you get past all of it?  What was your motivation to overcome the rough patch?  

Morgan: As in most things (of course on different scales) time is the greatest healer. My mother made a lot of bad choices, but they served as some of the greatest life lessons for me. I saw the path she went down and I knew I deserved something better. It would’ve been a disservice to all those who helped rear me if I hadn’t seen those shortcomings as gifts, almost.  

Mike: Tell us about your life right now. Is it going the way you thought it would?

Morgan: Well, my timeline is a little… behind,  But I’m determined to reach the goals I’ve put in place for myself. I feel more focused and driven and I can only attribute that to the road I’ve traveled thus far.  

Mike: What advice would you have for someone going through tough times?

Morgan: Look to those standing beside you. You are NEVER alone.  

Mike: Do you think it will be easier to deal with obstacles in life now that you have been through some of them?

Morgan: Definitely. I welcome the rough days as I know it’ll make the better ones brighter. They give us strength and definition. They also carve out a connection to someone else going through similar trials. Isn’t that what art, or living is all about? Connecting out to our fellow human beings?  

Mike: Is there anything else you would like to share with our readers such as websites, projects, or encourgement?

Morgan: Always, ALWAYS educate yourself. Everyday should be a new opportunity to learn. Also, time though out your day to laugh! If you have never read anything by David Sedaris, he just came out with a new collection of essays called “Let’s Explore Diabetes with Owls”. I’ve had several moments where I’ve called people into the room where I’m reading just to read excerpts aloud. Most importantly, do what you love. Refuse to settle for anything less.