Nothing could stop the happy dance now… I had this mother fucker right where I wanted him. I could smell the fear on his breath. He’s been tied to this chair for almost 24 hours. I haven’t decided how I was gonna make him pay yet. I needed a break.
The drugs were starting to wear off now. Even though I needed more, I didn’t really like the idea of putting more Adderall up my nose. Pacing back and forth in the bathroom, It hit me. I had stronger shit in the kitchen. This is going to be fun.
As I took the needle out of my arm, I could feel it. Rushing through my veins, like a wild fire. Staring at myself in the mirror, admiring the fucking monster I had become. I had another thought. If this shit keeps me awake, what would it do to the son of a bitch tied to that chair in the other room?
“WAKE UP, YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT!”
I couldn’t help but chuckle to myself as I got the shot ready. I’ve never given anyone a shot before. Truthfully, I was fucking scared of needles. It didn’t matter, I had to keep my friend going. The was no way I was going to let him slip int shock while the party was going on. I mean, come on. I had four fucking years to make up for.
I knew the exact moment the drugs took effect. His pupils were pin points, his face flush and he was sweating.
“Wanna make a little wager?” I asked him
Of course he couldn’t answer, his mouth was taped shut.
I peeled a tiny corner of the tape back. Just enough to get a decent grip on it. Then it happened… I lost control for a brief second. Just long enough to violently rip the tape from the mouth of the beast. The scream that came with it was so satisfying.
“ANSWER ME!!!” I screamed. Trying as hard as I could to make myself seem bigger than I was.
“Wha, what do you want?” He could barely get it out.
“Here’s how this is going to work. I’m gonna untie you, I’ll let you go if you can make it to the restroom in one piece.” He didn’t know what I had planned.
As I took the tape off of his ankles, I snipped his Achilles tendons. I knew he wouldn’t make it more than two steps before his face became intimately acquainted with the floor. This was all part of the plan.
“Run, you little fucking piece of hammered dog shit!”
I’ll never forget the sound his head made when it hit the floor…
Depression, anxiety or insomnia. These words mean something different to every person who hears them. You could ask two people to explain them and, the answers could be completely different.
I can’t speak for anyone else but they all hurt in their own “special” way. They have a way of taking something from you, that you can never get back.
I used to love being around people. I don’t know when it changed but it did. It got to the point where I couldn’t even stand to be on stage anymore. Think about this for a second…
I was a musician. Being on stage was my whole life. How did I get to the point where the only way I could tolerate doing what I loved was to be absolutely fucked out of my mind on some substance. Sure, I looked happy. Didn’t we all?
That escalated quickly…
I had a lot of fun time when I was fucked up. It was the sober times that really hurt. That feeling of being so alone that you seriously start to wonder if anyone would notice if you were dead. It seriously felt like the i was standing still and the world was rushing around me.
I not gonna lie. I tried to kill myself. I just wanted to pain to end. I knew something wasn’t right in my head and all I kept hearing was that I just needed to get over it. How the fuck is that supposed to be helpful? Then the shaming started. people started calling me selfish, a coward. I’m going to say it now and let you think about it long and hard. These are the people that make it fucking hard for us to ask for help.
All I wanted was for someone to listen to what I had to say without telling me that I was full of shit. It took a lot out of me. I had to find a place in my head where I didn’t need to get over it. I learned to embrace the insanity in my head. Hell, it makes for some entertaining writing.
All of that brought me to a point where I had to answer a question. Am I willing to let someone fall the way I did? Not if I can help it.
So what have you crazy kids been up too this week? I don’t know about you guys but my week has been absolutely amazing.
Let’s start with the obvious… Filming a web series!!!! How could I not be happy about this? This is the dream. Not only do I get to live it but I get to have two of my best friends with me. There’s more to it than that. I got to work with one of the most amazing production crews in the world. Aside from knowing their stuff, they were genuinely good people.
This in itself presents an opportunity to learn something new. I’ve had some amazing conversations on set. You tend to learn a lot about yourself on a set like this. Then there are those people that drop some serious knowledge on you. I never saw it coming. What I though was a simple conversation turned into the chance to learn something about myself.
I guess the whole point of this is… no matter how bad things ever got, life can change in an instant. I have a lot to be thankful for.
So… I think it’s about time I answered a question.
A lot of people ask me where I get the inspiration for what I write. Truthfully, I start with a single line. It could be how I’m feeling at that moment, something I felt in the past or just something that makes sense to me at the time.
From there, the flood gates just kind of open. I zone out. Auto pilot kicks in and the next thing I know, I’m done. Sometimes it’s 30 pages of absolute nonsense and sometimes its five lines of gold.
There isn’t really a method to it. I only ever keep about 30% of what I write.
I don’t wanna wake up today
And face the world
It’s always the same
Story of my life
Living with this fear
Eating away my soul
Hold me back
Bound in chains
A life shrouded in fear
This isn’t for me
I don’t even know anymore
What has me so fuckin scared
You say I’m bigger than this
That’s there is so much more
Show me where it is
Show me how to live
I’m running out of answers
To the question no one is asking
I’m starting to feel
Like it’s all in my head
When you look at me
Through your hate filled eyes
What is it that you see
Fear and rage disguised
Something burns deep within
Blood boiling filed with rage
Like peeling off my own skin
Alone in the night
Trying to be the one you want
Losing sight of who I am
Please don’t get caught
With my blood on your hands
I’ll justify your every move
Because I don’t want to die alone
What ever it is you have to prove
With you heart made of stone
Everything has just been building up lately. I find myself getting frustrated very easily. I’m really not sure why. Maybe it’s self preservation, maybe I just don’t care anymore. I just can’t do it.
I’m done losing sleep over people that obviously only care about themselves. Anyone who knows me, knows that I don’t walk away from things easily. Lately, that has not been the case.
I try to find the beauty in things but sometimes the negativity overshadows it. I honestly feel like I don’t have a voice sometimes. I’ve given up on more than one person lately. Trying to keep a dying friendship alive was like screaming in silence. The entire thing revolved around going out drinking every night.
I won’t lie, it was fun at first. As I started to realize that things were going downhill, I found myself drinking to numb the pain. It killed me knowing that the friendship was dying. Knowing that you have to give up on someone you considered family sucks.
One good thing did come out of it. All of this newfound free time allowed me to reconnect with a few people I haven’t seen in years. One in particular, has been through many of the same issues that I have. I hate to say it but the is only ONE person who I feel won’t judge me for what I’ve been through.
Knowing that I can be open about my depression, the hospital stay and the daily struggles really helps.
You guys can find some of my recent work here.
This is just one of those times
Where I don’t know what to say
Every tear I wipe from your face
Burns itself into my skin
I can tell you a million times
How much I really care
But I can’t make you believe it
You just have to feel it
I’m here standing in the dark
Rain soaked clothes
Waiting for something real
I won’t give up and go inside
Standing here with only my dreams
Waiting for you to stand with me
I don’t know if I can save you
But I can sure as hell try